My Blind Date with Tyra Banks

I’m having lunch with Tyra Banks on Post Street, and as I’m choking down a sandwich with too much mayonnaise, my eyes begin to closely scrutinize my date sitting across the way. She’s become somewhat of a media power. Her boobs have propelled her into the spotlight, and she took it and ran. She even recorded a video single.

Tyra Banks. She’s sipping her water over a Cesar Salad with bacon. I look around to see who’s in the room, breaking eye contact from the person who I’m there with to look cooler.

Putting her glass down, she confesses her darkest secrets to me over a sunny table on the roof of a busy San Francisco restaurant. She tells me about her hard times growing up in the modeling agency. How she’s planning to launch her foundation.

I’m nodding and listening intently. I look deep into her eyes to reassure her. I want her to feel like she’s having a therapeutic, cleansing experience.

Sensing that she’s safe, she starts to tell me an anecdote.

According to Ms. Banks, when she was younger and coming up in the industry, she had a crippling phobia of her rival, Naomi Campbel. It got so bad that she was once so jealous of her, so fearful of her, that she almost quit modeling because of this goddamn woman.

My eyebrows furl and I look down very meaningfully, as if I’m searching my plate for the right thing to say.

I guess Naomi would be cool about it though. Tyra said she would always dodge the questions and not answer. Instead, she would bob her head and allow Tyra to vent, making Tyra look like a fanatical and emotional dame.

I start to daydream as Tyra talks and imagine Ms. Campbell as saying nothing, but saying it so eloquently. I can see her face and it looks perfect. She has a glassy stare and a hallow look in her eyes.

Magically, Tyra turns into Naomi and now I’m listening to her talk about rehab, how she’s been around, how she’s partied a lot, and how she’s filled the emptiness in her life with drugs and alcohol. She’s hot, and I don’t mind listening to her blabber about her childhood traumas, because just sitting next to her electrifies my body.

The reader can feel the irony of the situation begin to fade. The first two seconds of the story is about as interesting as it gets. Describing Tyra and her five head starts to wear on the story. Her seriousness and revealing, confessional nature makes you want to turn to Dr. Phil and watch a professional talking head, or should I say dork, who knows how to take your mind off things that you should worry about.

For me, in da TL, I worry about how I need to make more money because the city is so fucking expensive. It’s just that there are so many good restaurants around here, and the city is a lot of fun. Right now I’m having a blast, and I can only hope that you are too. If you aren’t, then get up and go do something you like.